“My gender and my sexuality are not defined by what I wear, or even whom I’m sleeping with at any given point. They are defined by who I am. Which is something that is constantly changing as I critique myself and grow as a person. Every new thing I learn changes who I am and how I understand my place in the world. This is my fluidity, this is my space between.”
You probably recognise Nico Tortorella from the hit TV Land show Younger. (If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out. Seriously. Go watch!) Tortorella plays a character by the name of Josh – a charismatic tattoo artist with the best smile you’ve ever seen. Josh falls in love with Liza – a woman in her 40s who convinces everyone she is much younger in order to snag a job in publishing. And a lot of interesting plot points ensue.
Tortorella’s success on this show, however, is but a small part of the journey they share in their book, Space Between: Explorations of Love, Sex, and Fluidity. You may be thinking they are too young to write a memoir at the age of 31. However, there is a lot of life experience and learning packed into those years. The quote above beautifully captures the essence of the story told here—a journey through their childhood and upbringing. An ongoing discovery of their identity. Equal parts education for the masses and introspection on their individual journey.
From the very start, Tortorella makes it clear that they are a work in progress, so to speak. That they are in the midst of learning more about self, identity, interconnectedness with others and the earth around them, and – perhaps most importantly – how to use their role in the public eye to create greater acceptance, inclusion, and change. Tortorella recounts their own personal experiences through the years to give insight into how they have come to understand their identity – an identity that exists outside of the typical labels and choices given by society at large. Yes, there is a great focus on the gender binary, the preconceived definitions of sexuality or sexual orientation, the obvious topics you might expect from the title. But there is also an underlying current that one should not feel constrained between a duality of choices, between this or that, in any aspect of their lives or self-definition. And as Tortorella comes to understand and live in this “space between,” embracing their own fluidity, their life becomes exponentially more full.
Much of what Tortorella explores is related to social constructionist theory – the idea that meaning is created, assigned, and not just one absolute to be discovered. They approach this concept from both the perspective of how we internalise and create our own narratives of our life experiences, as well as how (often quite differently) those outside assign meaning to the ways in which they view us. Tortorella then moves beyond to provide a commentary on how harmful and divisive socially constructed definitions and roles can be, particularly as they often work to the exclusion of minorities and those outside positions of power. However, if we can learn to put aside these assigned definitions, there is beauty in learning who we are. Not only are we then able to find ourselves, but we also are able to find much-needed support and acceptance. In this way, Tortorella pushes the reader to consider the many ways that we may all exist outside of these constructs – what they term the “space between” – as well as how we may accept and honour ourselves, and each other, in healthy ways.
Tortorella unflinchingly says what they mean and means what they say. This memoir is both engaging and touching in the way that they bare their innermost thoughts and experiences for others to learn from. In parts it even reads as a love letter to their spouse, Bethany Meyers, and the other loves that have shaped them along the way. If entered with an open mind and heart, the reader is likely to walk away from this reading experience with a great respect for Tortorella’s ongoing journey, the journey of so many, indeed the journey that we all face in our own ways to learn and express who we are.
Nico Tortorella is an actor, author, and activist in the LGBTQIA+ community. They currently star in the hit TV Land series Younger and will also be starring in an upcoming spin-off of The Walking Dead. Space Between is their second book and their first book, a poetry collection titled all of it is you., was published in 2018.
Space Between is available from Amazon, Book Depository, and other good book retailers.
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Synopsis | Goodreads
Actor and LGTBQIA+ advocate Nico Tortorella’s narrative investigation of love, sex, gender, addiction, family, fame, and fluidity through the lens of their nonbinary identity
Nico Tortorella is a seeker. Raised on a steady regimen of Ram Dass and raw food, they have always been interested in the more spiritual aspects of life. That is, until the desire for fame and fortune eclipsed their journey toward enlightenment and sent Nico on a downward spiral of addiction and self-destructive behavior. It wasn’t until they dug deep and began to examine the fluidity of both their sexuality and gender identity that they became more comfortable in their own skin, got sober from alcohol, entered into an unconventional marriage with the love of their life, and fully embraced a queer lifestyle that afforded them the opportunity to explore life outside the gender binary. It was precisely in that space between that Nico encountered the diverse community of open-minded, supportive peers they’d always dreamed of having.
By expanding on themes explored on their popular podcast, The Love Bomb, Nico shares the intimate details of their romantic partnerships, the dysfunction of their loud but loving Italian family, and the mining of their feminine and masculine identities into one multidimensional, sexually fluid, nonbinary individual. Nico is a leading voice of the fluidity movement by encouraging open dialogue and universal acceptance. Space Between is at once an education for readers, a manifesto for the labeled and label-free generation, and a personal memoir of love, identity, and acceptance.
