Guest post written by author C.K. McDonnell
Born in Limerick and raised in Dublin, C K (Caimh) McDonnell is a former stand-up comedian and TV writer. He performed all around the world, had several well-received Edinburgh shows and supported acts such as Sarah Millican on tour before hanging up his clowning shoes to concentrate on writing. He has also written for numerous TV shows and been nominated for a Kid’s TV BAFTA. His debut novel, A Man With One of Those Faces – a comic crime novel – was published in 2016 and spawned The Dublin Trilogy books and the spin-off McGarry Stateside series. They have been Amazon bestsellers on both sides of the Atlantic.C. K. McDonnell lives in Manchester. To find out more, visit whitehairedirishman.com
C.K’s new novel The Stranger Times releases on January 14th 2021.
It’s the age-old question people have been asking themselves for years, is my colleague an advance-scout from an extra-terrestrial race or just a bit weird? It’s always tricky as it is easy to misconstrue innocent character traits as signs that they are hatching nefarious plans to eat everyone’s brains/impregnate them with eggs/enslave us and make us build pyramids.
Well don’t worry, we have you covered. Here are a simple series of questions to address once and for all if Keith from accounts is a monster in a skin suit or just a guy who enjoys whacky neckwear to an unhealthy degree.
- How happy are they? If the subject comes into work on a Monday morning and seems genuinely cheerful, this is a bad sign. Humans have an inherent understanding that whatever job they have is a punishment visited upon them for something awful they did in a past life. Someone apparently enjoying it is grounds for suspicion. It is however worth checking if they smell of booze or are stealing from the company, as these are two possible alternative explanations.
- How good are their senses? While aliens may look like us, they are highly unlikely to share the same senses of us. One definite tell-tale sign is, does the subject use the microwave in the kitchen to heat up fish? If they do, they are 100 per cent not only an alien, but also definitely from a hostile culture. You are well within your rights to terminate them or at the very least, steal their stapler. Another clue is if they drink the coffee provided and say things like “ummmh, that is as good as anything available in a shop.”
- What’s their attitude to business speak? 90 per cent of all business terminology has actually been introduced as a device to alert staff to the presence of alien intruders. So, when management says something like, “I think we need to drill down to the core deliverables to make sure we are providing a 360-degree synergistic experience for the customer,” you need to observe the subject closely. If they do not repeat the phrase within an hour of the meeting ending in a mocking voice, while pulling faces and possibly doing hand gestures, they’re either an alien or at the very least, someone you should definitely not invite on any nights out. Sarcasm has proven to be an entirely human invention. It’s what we did while other lifeforms were developing the ability to travel at lightspeed or those cool replicator things on Star Trek.
- How is their chit-chat? Are they able to fully engage in the general office banter? Watch out for unusual questions, such as, “Hey guys, I don’t know about anyone else, but I feel like I’m just so full of organs. Do we need all these organs?” Also, when politics comes up, do they ever say anything like, “I know, this government is a joke. How would we all feel about being governed by somebody from far, far, away but who would re-nationalise the railways so we can all get a seat in the mornings?”
- What do they think of their salary? A final very easy test to carry out is to bring up the subject of a pay rise. If they think that they are already paid enough then whacking them over the head with a printer is not only acceptable, but actively encouraged. It might seem extreme now, but it won’t seem so when they’re harvesting your organs and then heating them up in the office microwave.
