Guest post written by author Alexa Martin
Alexa Martin is a writer and stay at home mom. A Nashville transplant, she’s intent on instilling a deep love and respect for the great Dolly Parton in her four children and husband. The Playbook Series was inspired by the eight years she spent as a NFL wife and her deep love of all things pop culture, sparkles, leggings, and wine. When she’s not repeating herself to her kids, you can find her catching up on whatever Real Housewives franchise is currently airing or filling up her Etsy cart with items she doesn’t need. Her latest release, Mom Jeans and Other Mistakes, is out now.
Ice cream, wine, and an endless loop of sad movies on Netflix.
We all know what that is.
There’s a well-known formula to take when you end a relationship. Countless movies, shows, and songs have prepared us for these moments, showing us the steps to navigate breakups. We know to call our friends and they know to tell us we were way too good for that jerk in the first place. They hype us up, reminding us of everything we have to offer and how much better off we’ll be without that person in our lives. Your friends rally around you so at the end of the day, your confidence doesn’t waiver and when you’re ready to date again, you’re prepared to swipe with gusto.
But what happens when that breakup isn’t between you and a potential love match? What happens when you breakup with your friend?
From the time we’re kids, we are asked who our best friends are. We partner up in class, bond over shared commonalities on the playground, and share our treats in the lunchroom. Plastic, glitter coated tchotchkes and pinky promises sealed with a kiss of solidarity are exchanged. We’re told how boyfriends and girlfriends will come and go, but friends are forever.
And it’s a rude awakening when we inevitably discover that’s not always the case.
My novel, Mom Jeans and Other Mistakes, chronicles the lives of Jude Andrews, an Instagram famous fitness influencer, and Lauren Turner, a medical school dropout and single mom. They have been best friends since third grade and now, in their late twenties, have decided to move in together for emotional and financial support. Even though they live together and are what they call, unofficial sister wives… without the husband, their lives are vastly different and so are their struggles. Both use their friendship as the touchstone that keeps them grounded. When outside influences are bringing them low, they depend on the other to lift them up.
The problems Jude and Lauren face are common between so many friends and most of them stem from communication. While the terms and expectations between romantic partners are clearly defined from dating, engagements, and then even getting the good old law involved for marriage, the same cannot be said for friendship. This can make our friendships infinitely more delicate. We haven’t normalized speaking about our expectations within friendships which can lead to sabotage down the line. Jude, who is afraid she is taking too much from her friendship with Lauren, doesn’t open up about the struggles she’s facing with her mom. Lauren, on the other hand is the consummate people pleaser who is nervous to push Jude too far. By not opening up to one another and communicating not only what they want to receive, but also what they want to give in their relationship, it results in tension, arguments, and ultimately, a friend break-up.
The lack of communication in friendships can stem from many reasons. Not only are we afraid that voicing our needs will come off as nagging or annoying, I believe there’s a deeper fear that our needs will still be ignored. It doesn’t help that many people tend to describe friendships as “effortless” when really, any relationship that is important requires effort. And in a time where so many of us are dealing with more hardships and loneliness than we’ve ever faced before, aren’t our friends worth a little extra time and love?
Another hardship that many adults face when dealing with a friendship breakup is the lack of closure. Where there is often a formal conversation that signals the end of a romantic relationship, many friendships don’t have that. As humans, we grow and evolve and it’s only natural that we drift away from people who were once our closest confidants. The lack of acknowledgment that comes with a friendship fizzling out can add to feelings of confusion and loneliness. Even though it’s not discussed, there is grief that comes with the loss of a friend—even if it was a natural progression—that must be processed.
As adults are waiting longer and longer before settling down, having the support of a strong friendship is more important than ever. These are the people you frequently turn toward in times of need. They are your chosen family and sometimes, your true soulmates. Take the time to honor these relationships. Communicate your needs, offer them support when they do the same, and if the time comes when you must go your separate ways? Grab that chocolate and turn on Romy and Michelle. Friend breakups are hard, so let’s stop pretending they aren’t.
