How would it feel to lose someone you love and grieve for them without anyone knowing what you’re going through? Can you imagine missing someone and not being able to share that burden? To not truly explain how much someone meant to you? This is what seventeen-year-old Corrine Parker finds herself going through after Maggie, the girlfriend she kept secret, tragically dies following a car accident.
Who I Was With Her is the debut novel from Nita Tyndall and it is a moving and beautiful coming-of-age piece that explores the journey of grief, along with identity, love, and friendship. It can be sad in parts as it navigates the understandably upsetting subject matter, but it also manages to become that little bit empowering in an uplifting way as we follow Corrine’s journey to live life on her own terms.
“I have stopped counting how long it’s been since she died. She deserves to be remembered, not measured by the days of my grief or how long it’s been since she left. She deserves to be remembered for who she was.”
Corrine has kept her sexuality and her relationship with Maggie hidden from her friends and family for some time, and now she finds herself dealing with her grief alone. The only person who knew about the relationship was Maggie’s brother, Dylan. Through Dylan she meets Elissa, an ex-girlfriend of Maggie’s. It’s messy and not an ideal set up, but she may be the only person who Corrine can confide in and relate to as Elissa knew Maggie too. Having kept so much from people, Corrine has isolated herself and having a stranger to talk to becomes a crutch. As well as exploring the relationship between them, the story follows Corrine trying to make it through school, repair her strained friendship with her best friend Julia, navigate living between her separated parents, and making decisions about college. Running is quite prominent in the novel as cross country running is the sport that brought Corrine and Maggie together and it’s what Corrine’s father hopes will be her ticket out of the town and towards a better future. Corrine needs to examine her own attitude towards running, why she runs, and what she really wants out of it.
The story goes back and forth with the reader following present-day Corrine along with there being shorter chapters that are flashbacks to her time with Maggie. I liked this way of storytelling as we get to see what their relationship was like, which helps make Maggie’s loss have more of an impact. It adds another layer of depth as we can see how her death changes Corrine. It also increases Maggie’s presence throughout the book and allows us to gather our own impression of her too.
I was pleased with the bisexual representation in this story. I liked that the word was used often and that Corrine took the time to be comfortable with applying the label to herself. There was plenty I could resonate with which helped me connect to Corrine more and I think it’s why the book left a big impression on me. I found that overall the book had a sex-positive message as it mentions the importance of waiting until you are ready, but also shows casual sex and how it does not have to be seen as a negative thing.
I would recommend Who I Was With Her in particular to teenagers and those approaching the end of school or starting college who are unsure of their next step. A lot of young people feel pressure because of expectations from their parents and I think this book would help them feel that they are not alone. People process grief differently and this book may be upsetting for anyone who has recently suffered a loss of a loved one, but on the other hand, some readers may find it comforting if there is something they can relate to. I’d also recommend it to anyone in the LGBTQ+ community that might not yet be out for whatever reason, in the hope that they can resonate with the questions and feelings surrounding Corrine and her identity. With all good books though, I can honestly say I would recommend this to anyone regardless of age. I’m 29 and it was one of my favourite books of 2020. I really wish more sapphic books and positive bisexual representation was around when I was younger.
“This is my coming out. One person at a time. No big statement, no grand gesture. Only people I want to tell. Why should I come out the way everyone else wants me to?”
Content warning: Death/ Grief, Homophobia, Parent with Alcoholism, Slut-Shaming, Sex
Who I Was With Her is available from Amazon, Book Depository, and other good book retailers, like your local bookstore.
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Synopsis | Goodreads
There are two things that Corinne Parker knows to be true: that she is in love with Maggie Bailey, the captain of the rival high school’s cross-country team and her secret girlfriend of a year, and that she isn’t ready for anyone to know she’s bisexual.
But then Maggie dies, and Corinne quickly learns that the only thing worse than losing Maggie is being left heartbroken over a relationship no one knows existed. And to make things even more complicated, the only person she can turn to is Elissa — Maggie’s ex and the single person who understands how Corinne is feeling.
As Corinne struggles to make sense of her grief and what she truly wants out of life, she begins to have feelings for the last person she should fall for. But to move forward after losing Maggie, Corinne will have to learn to be honest with the people in her life…starting with herself.
