I Will Be Okay is a unique and beautifully written YA contemporary novel focusing on the intense rollercoaster that is the broad spectrum of teenage relationships. This debut novel from Own Voices author Bill Elenbark is a refreshingly accurate representation of the male perspective of sexuality and coming out. I have read quite of few LGBTQ+ books focusing on gay male relationships, but the majority have been written by women. While they have been excellent, it has always felt slightly detached and voyeuristic. I Will Be Okay was something else. It gently pulls the reader into the lives of these teenage boys and takes you on a compassionate but rollercoaster ride that is part of working out your own identity and then coming out to your family and then the world.
It is the story of Mateo, but you should call him Matt, and Stick who are best friends. These boys both have so much going on in their individual lives but their shared love of indie rock band “The World is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die” (or World Is for short) has connected them. They are both questioning their sexuality in different ways and the budding attraction between them is confusing to say the least.
Matt’s Dad has a volatile temper that ignites daily with his mother, brother, and Matt himself about anything and everything. For Matt, the pressure his father places on him about his baseball career is beyond stressful and he is constantly reminded that in a Puerto Rican family he needs to become “a man”. Stick on the other hand comes from a large, socially unconventional family and his siblings are all adopted. He is struggling with the loss of his father, the only real parent he had, and his grief is almost overwhelming.
This novel is beautifully written. It is told in the first person from Matt’s perspective and transitions from standard narrative to an almost stream of consciousness prose with Matt’s changing moods. The writing style is creative and fluid and creates a truly immersive experience. It also provides the reader with a better understanding of who Matt is as a person as we are along for the ride as he discovers things about himself. The tense relationship between Matt and his father is compounded by the relationship his father has with other members of the family, particularly Matt’s mother. Their relationship is uncomfortable to witness and verges on concerning. The relationship is further strained by his Dad making homophobic statements throughout. To escape the struggles he is facing Matt turns to Stick, the music they love and the casual substance abuse Stick has introduced him to.
Music is a guiding force throughout this book. Both boys turn to it and get completely caught up in it which is a familiar and comfortable feeling for me. To this day I still associate music with my emotions and it really does have the power to transport you and connect you with others around you- particularly at a live gig. Matt and Stick attended a live show for World Is and the boys’ excitement was palpable from the pages and the way they got swept up in the music at the gig was so relatable. I am also a huge fan of indie rock and it was fun to find a connection with these characters who are completely different to the person I am and have different life experiences. The repetition of “I Will Be Okay” throughout the novel, which we learn early on is a lyric from one of Matt’s favourite songs and not just the title of the book, serves almost as a reset point when things begin to spiral for him. This reinforces the power music has for these boys.
There is an authenticity to the novel that transcends the page. It made me want to meet and befriend these characters because they were so real and relatable. Elenbark paid his characters the utmost respect by not simply allowing them to exist in their stereotypes. They are more than stoners who love indie rock, they are three dimensional people who have emotions and struggles that are relatable and profound. I Will Be Okay is a story of the true exploration of one’s self and is such a unique novel I cannot compare it to anything I have read before. However, the calibre of writing and storytelling is on the same level as authors like Adam Silvera and I would hold I Will Be Okay up with the likes of They Both Die at the End.
This book is emotional, sweet, and almost heartbreaking at some points and I loved how Elenbark didn’t shy away from the tricky subjects. The ending of this book is not the stereotypical fairytale happy ending a lot of contemporary novels have these days. Instead, it is a real and hopeful ending that is quite touching making it a book that will appeal to people of all ages.
I Will Be Okay is available from Amazon, Book Depository, and other good book retailers, like your local bookstore, as of June 30th 2020.
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Synopsis | Goodreads
The intensity of two boys’ feelings for each other threatens to be overwhelmed by family tensions that rip them apart before their relationship even starts.
Mateo’s father is overly obsessed with his fifteen-year-old son’s baseball achievements to the exclusion of other interests (manga, indie rock music, and Stick—the boy from the “troubled” family down the street, the one with thirteen children of mixed races). Mateo’s mother comes from a sprawling Puerto Rican family that provides little privacy and complicated support as Mateo and his father clash over a baseball injury that jeopardizes his season.
Down the street, Stick is dealing with the sudden loss of his father and living up to an image he believes his father saw in himself, one that wasn’t gay, which drives him to drink and do drugs beyond anything he and Mateo have experimented. They come together and fall apart. Like a mantra, Mateo repeats the words from one of the band’s songs whenever he gets hurt or afraid: I WILL BE OKAY. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work.
