From the author of The Long Run comes another unflinchingly raw and boldly hilarious novel about an unlikely group of teens coming together to exact revenge on the person who wronged them.
Intrigued? Well read on to discover the synopsis and an excerpt from James Acker’s Teenage Dirtbags, which is out April 9th 2024.
All’s fair in love and revenge…
Phil Reyno is a “troublemaker.” With a punk aesthetic and a quick temper, Phil knows that it’s surprising to see him dating universally beloved Cameron Ellis, whose viral coming out video made him an internet darling.
Jackson Pasternak is a “good guy.” Junior class president, star rower, and Ivy bound, Jackson is burnt out and misses the only person who ever truly knew him—his ex-best friend, Phil.
When Cameron dumps Phil and torpedoes his already-iffy reputation in the process, Phil hatches a plot to expose Cameron as the two-faced liar he truly is. And he finds the perfect weapon in his old pal Jackson, who agrees to infiltrate Cameron’s circle and uncover dirt.
But as Phil and Jackson rediscover their friendship—and more—they start to wonder… Will knocking Cameron off his pedestal really solve their problems?
PHIL
TRACK ONE
Welcome to the Black Parade
I was melting into our usual booth, the leather guy toward the back of Brewster’s, just listening to them go on and on. The Skwad was discussing queer representation in popular fiction while I finger- tested which butter knife might chop off my head fastest. I’d gone an entire summer without spending any one-on-one time with the Skwad and I had cherished every quiet moment. But Cameron Ellis was minutes away from his grand return to Moorestown after three months of baseball camp. And when one plans a Welcome Home dinner for one’s boyfriend, traditionally one is required to invite his closest, dearest friends. Even if they are intolerable. Even if they’re the fucking Skwad.
Augie waved a forkful of apple pie around our booth, trying to conduct the debate. “It’s not about the quantity of representation. It’s about the quality of representation. The queer community doesn’t need rep for rep’s sake. We can be past that now. Like, how does it behoove me to see two twinks buying fabric softener in aSuper Bowl commercial? I’m supposed to settle for that? No. I don’t want any representation. I want quality representation. Good representation.”
Then Brynn was there, trying to find her dog in this fight. “Valid. But wouldn’t you argue that seeing two…t-words buying Tide PODS is actually helpful toward normalizing the gay community for a wider audience? Especially in an ad block like the Super Bowl? I’d argue that is good rep.”
Doug stopped mindlessly staring out the window and blinked for the first time all evening. “Wait. Which one’s the t-word?”
Augie groaned and poked at his pie. “Twink isn’t a slur. Brynn is just being overly sensitive.”
“Well, it’s not my word to say.”
“Say it. I give you permission, say twink.”
“Augie.”
“You’re not gonna get in trouble, baby girl. Give it a whirl.” “No. You’re not going to bait me.”
Doug sipped his milkshake and smiled. “Twink.”
“Doug, NO.”
Brynn slapped his hand. Augie finished his slice and wiped his mouth. “All I’m saying is a town like Moorestown needs good representation. This isn’t New York. It’s not even Philly. We’re in butt-fuck New Jersey, our school needs good rep. Agreed?”
Brynn nodded back. “Agreed.”
In a pointedly empty silence, I realized the Skwad was waiting on me. “Wait. How is this about me?”
Brynn folded her hands together and smiled. “Philly. You know I love you. You and Cameron… I mean, you’re CamRye, you’re my soft boys. But… Phil, you promised. Right here, in this booth, you promised us junior year was going to be different.”
I was completely lost and looked at Augie for a clue. I even resorted to Doug. But Doug was no help, far too busy chewing on his hoodie drawstring. “…What the hell are we talking about here?”
Augie scoffed over his Oreo milkshake. “We heard about Dani T’s pool party.”
I groaned up at the ceiling. “Ooooooookay.”
“Okay and you can’t be calling the straight boys faggots when we get back to school, Philip. It’s not cute.”
Brynn jolted in her seat like she’d been shot. “AUGIE.”
Augie rolled his eyes and ate his cherry. “Phil’s the one hollering it across pool parties. I am literally quoting the man, Brynn.”
“Well, you don’t have to say it. I told you, that word makes me uncomfortable.”
I snorted. “Oh. It makes you uncomfortable?”
Brynn threw up her hands. “OKAY. I’m SORRY hearing literal SLURS makes me uncomfortable, Phil. I’m sorry I’m SOOOOO sensitive, I’m such a MONSTER.”
“You’re not a monster, Brynn, you’re just straight.”
“And I apologized for that!”
Brynn huffed and sank in the booth. Augie leveled with me.
“Look. I get it. You’re reclaiming it, it’s your word now, kudos on making your very nuanced post-modern point. But Cameron’s got a lot of eyes on him now. I’m still seeing the video of his little speech every other day, people are paying attention to him. To all of us. And you acting up like this is a bad look, Phil. For all of us. We just want Cameron to have a great junior year. He deserves that. We deserve that.”
The Skwad nodded as a group. I stomached my laugh. “Good rep. So, you wanna make sure the shittier half of Moorestown’s Golden Gays doesn’t make the Skwad look bad. Alright.”
Brynn leaned close. Considerate. Maybe a little too considerate for my liking. “Philly. You could have a really special junior year. It’s a brave new world. Boys like you and Cammy are living out and proud. Like, things are SO much better now. Y’know, my cousin couldn’t come out of the closet until he was twenty-five. Did I tell you my cousin’s gay?”
“Everyone’s cousin is gay, what’s your point?”
Brynn skipped past five stages in our relationship and held my hand from across the booth. “Philip. It’s your time. You can be out now. You can be easy now. You can breathe.”
I just nodded back. Let Brynn pet my hand. Let her caring, shining smile go stale on her careful, shiny face. “Mmm. Brave new world.”
“Exactly.”
I looked over to the front of Brewster’s. The clock above the door told me my boyfriend was twelve minutes late. He hadn’t texted a reason. To me, at least. But the Skwad didn’t seem worried. Maybe he’d texted them instead. His inner circle. His found family. The third, fourth, and fifth Cameron Ellis had brought into our relationship. The Skwad.
“I hear you, Brynn. I really do. But, and I do mean this respectfully, but until one person in this town can give me a solid logical reason why I shouldn’t, I believe it’s my right to call a classmate a faggot anytime I want.”
Doug snorted. Augie sighed. Brynn flinched again. I was reaching the bottom of her well-meant patience. That was what I loved most about this game of mine. Watching people sweat. Watching all their good intentions crash and burn when presented with someone not so easy.
Brynn took her hand back and shook her head. At a loss. “You’re not going to get anyone on your side this way, Philly. We just wanna be your friends. You know that. Right?”
That look in her eyes. That honest care. Brynn Forester was making a genuine effort to reach me. It made me want to shit blood. I felt a boil in my stomach. It always tasted different when it started cooking up in me, but the result was always the same. That mean thing inside of me that made me say things I regretted. That made me call people names I didn’t mean. That made me me. Tonight, my disdain tasted like spoiled milkshake.
Very slowly, very calmly, I sat back in my seat. “Look. Last poll I took, I am one out of four out kids in this school. One out of four out of one thousand, six hundred, and fifty-three kids. Last poll I took.”
Augie rolled his eyes. Doug was at rare rapt attention. I powered forward. “Out of that thousand and change, maybe ten or so cared to know my name before the night of the big coming out video. Maybe five of them would say it correctly. But ever since that speech, people who used to cross the street to avoid talking to me are inviting me to their Sweet Sixteens. My DMs are full of kids either calling me their personal hero or an ugly faggot. My mom is a very fun alcoholic who had my sister when she was my age and my deadbeat dad hasn’t called me back in nine and a half months. That’s my brave new world, Brynn. And you want me to make friends here?”
