Competitive Grieving is a dark, touching comedy—and unlikely love story—about loss and the chaotic aftermath of death. It takes an honest look at the universal struggle to tune out the noise and grieve, to love in the face of loss, and to yearn to truly know someone who is gone forever.
We had the pleasure of chatting with Nora Zelevansky about all things Competitive Grieving, as well as writing, book recommendations, and more.
Hi, Nora! Can you tell our readers a bit about yourself?
Sure! What to tell? I grew up on the Upper West Side of Manhattan with two parents in the art world and a sister who was reading Proust at 15. (I was probably reading Encyclopedia Brown.) I was the co-editor of my high school literary magazine, but I only ever wrote personal essay—creative non-fiction was my first love. I was a Joan Didion fan girl and still am.
I went to Scripps College in California (one of the Claremont Colleges), where I majored in film and visual art, but worked as a writing tutor to make extra money. It still hadn’t occurred to me to become a writer myself.
After college, I moved to LA and worked in film and politics, during which time I discovered that I did NOT thrive in a traditional office environment, but DID love freelance journalism. So, that became my new job.
Eventually, craving an outlet beyond the more rigid structure of writing for various publications, I decided to try to write fiction. I wrote Semi-Charmed Life, Will You Won’t You Want Me and now Competitive Grieving. And somewhere in there I moved back to NYC, had two kids and learned to make vegan s’more rice crispy treats, so. That’s me!
How is your 2021 going in comparison to that other year?
Oh, well, this year feels like it’s still part of that year in some respects, to be honest—but with less banana bread and blind panic and more toilet paper. But my husband and I are vaccinated, my kids are in school (knock on wood!) and I have a new book that’s set to see the light of day, so I can’t complain. Well, I can. But I shouldn’t.
Quick lightning round! Tell us the first book you ever remember reading, the one that made you want to become an author, and one that you can’t stop thinking about!
- First book: The Secret Garden with my mom.
- Inspired me to become an author: Pride & Prejudice.
- One I can’t stop thinking about: Goodbye, Vitamin…or The Great Believers. I can’t decide. BOTH!
When did you first discover your love for writing?
That’s a good question. My mother was a freelance art critic when I was little and, once I got old enough to be assigned essays for school, she sat down with me to do these painstaking, marathon edits like her magazine editor would do with her. That definitely taught me to write. And I weirdly loved those sessions.
But, in terms of a love of fiction, in fourth grade, I remember I had this idea to write a first-person story based on the Edgar Allen Poe poem, Annabel Lee, that was told all in diary entries and I was SO proud of it. That stuck with me, for sure.
Your new novel, Competitive Grieving, is out now! If you could only describe it in five words, what would they be?
Funny. Sad. Hopeful. True. Universal.
What can readers expect?
To be dazzled! I’m kidding. I mean, I hope so.
Readers can expect to laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time. Competitive Grieving is a story about loss, but also about hope. It’s about the very challenging aftermath of losing someone you love and about how—driven by the desperate desire to have their relationship with the person who is gone validated—people are not always their best selves. It’s about trying to navigate the life someone else left behind. It’s also about relationships and friendships and how impossible it is to know every facet of someone, how we’re all different incarnations of ourselves. Oh, and also it’s a love story!
Where did the inspiration for Competitive Grieving come from?
In early 2017, I was pregnant and struggling; the world felt like it was in turmoil. And then one of my oldest, most kindred friends died. He had just turned 40. It rocked my world on every level, but, also, I witnessed—and experienced—grieving in a different way than I had ever expected.
I wondered why no one ever talks about having to navigate all these different needs and personalities after losing someone you love, when everyone is at their worst. It felt like people, including me, were clawing for recognition in the same way they sometimes do online when a celebrity dies. We also see it when someone steps out of line and announces someone else’s passing before the immediate family has had a chance to do it themselves.
Most of all, I missed my friend and I wanted to talk to him about what was happening—but he was gone. So, I decided to write a story about that type of experience. Competitive Grieving is not the story of my friend’s death, but it touches on a lot of the themes and experiences that came up during that time.
Can you tell us about any challenges you faced while writing and how you were able to overcome them?
I wrote the book with a newborn and toddler hanging around, so that’s not for the faint of heart. Before you have kids, you think you need all these very particular circumstances to be able to write—the right snacks, time of day, environment. But, as writers with small children know (or at least the female ones, I think), it turns out that, when you have no choice, you can write anywhere.
The bigger challenge was actually doing the final edit in the early weeks of the pandemic, surrounded by mass panic with no childcare and no rhythm or routine. That part of process sparked a few tears.
Were there any favourite moments or characters you really enjoyed writing or exploring?
Throughout the book, the main character, Wren, develops this habit of planning other people’s funerals in her head. Not dead people. People who are alive and well, who she may or may not know. She plans the type of burial, the music, the food. I had a really good time writing those.
Also, though it’s not my friend’s story, there were a couple of small places where I was able to weave his words in and that meant the world.
What’s the best and the worst writing advice you have received?
Wake up at 4am and write for a few hours before your day begins. I don’t think it’s EVER good advice to wake up at 4am.
What’s next for you?
More books, I hope! And maybe branching out into other mediums too. But, first, my goal is to just try to enjoy this ride and appreciate this achievement. It means so much to be able to put this out into the world, as a tribute to my friend.
Lastly, do you have any book recommendations for our readers?
Ooh. Well, about a million. But I would always recommend my favorite book ever which is J.D. Salinger’s Raise High The Roof Beam, Carpenters. And, actually, I only recently realized that it’s also really a story about grief in a way, but it’s so funny.
I recently read Red, White and Royal Blue, which I loved. And also Educated. Both were really compelling in a time when it’s easy to feel distracted.
