A moving account of overcoming extreme adversity in the pursuit of independence, reminiscent of The Glass Castle and Tara Westover’s Educated. Teressa’s sergeant father brings his military life to their already unstable home, meeting each of his daughters’ infractions with extreme punishment while their mother remains unsupportive and silent. Aided only by the solace of books, music, and a few kind figures, Teressa finds an eventual path to survival and redemption, finding pride in the fact that her father was never able to break her, no matter how hard he tried.
With the current state of the world, what are you doing to cope with the changes we’ve had to make?
My strategy is to stay busy. I read, cook, bake, play cards and games with my husband of nearly 40 years, and put jigsaw puzzles together. Sometimes I multi-task and listen to a book on tape while doing a puzzle.
I also get outside every day. I’m fortunate to live near a park where I take long walks. My head is always clearer after a brisk walk.
It helps me to stay close to loved ones. My three children and I try to talk every day. I’ve used this time to work on my listening skills.
We’ve done some outside, social distancing get-togethers with friends and neighbors. My street has a neighborhood social distancing cocktail hour every Friday night. We all sit on our respective curbs and toast to having completed another week of quarantine.
Your memoir, The Sergeant’s Daughter, is out now. What can readers expect?
My book is a coming of age memoir about growing up with an abusive father who was a sergeant in the Army. He physically and psychologically abused me and my two sisters, but never laid a hand on my mother. She was complicit in his abuse, never intervening to protect us. When push came to shove, she always chose him. The book is also about how through education and the love of friends, neighbors, and strangers, I was able to escape my home. Ultimately, I freed myself from the circumstances that shaped my childhood to build a beautiful and loving home for myself, my husband, and my own children.
What made you want to tell your story and why now?
Telling my story wasn’t a conscious choice. Writing my book was just something I had to do, though I’m not sure I realized that when I began working on the project at a friend’s urging. What I realize now is that carrying the secrets of my childhood abuse has been a heavy burden.
Writing this book was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But now that it’s behind me, I’m so glad I did. It was a cathartic process that helped me to let go of the shame that I felt as a child, the resentment towards my mother who never protected me, and the guilt I felt when I escaped home leaving my younger sister behind. I feel such a sense of relief.
Did you know how you wanted the story to unfold, or did this come later after you started writing?
I guess the answer is sort of. I knew that I wanted to attack my story chronologically, but initially I also wanted to fill the reader in on how I have, in adulthood, tried to confront my father about his abuse. So in the original draft, each chapter included travel back and forth through time, to include recent conversations between me and my father. My publisher pushed for a more traditional chronological narrative.
Some of my early readers (my mother-in-law and a close friend) were sorry to see the more experimental format go. In the end though, I agreed with my publisher. The simplified chronology allowed me to more clearly chart my coming-of-age and what it took to escape my abusive home.
Naturally this would have been quite a challenging story to write. How did you approach this while you were writing?
I didn’t wake up one morning and say, “I think I’ll write a book.” Instead it happened over a long period of time. It was a 20-year journey.
Before I started writing I prepared by reading. A lot. I thought of this as research. It may seem funny to propose research for a memoir. After all, who could be more of an expert on the subject of my life than me? But I wanted to familiarize myself with as many different approaches to the genre as possible. I read every memoir I could get my hands on.
While I read, I took notes on how the authors dealt with sensitive material, particularly domestic abuse, which was at the heart of my story. I also observed how they described love-hate family relationships, something that I also planned to write about. In other words, I read other memoirs not only because that was my genre, but also so I could get a sense of how to approach the parts of my story that I knew would be most difficult to tell. Then, once I started writing, I stopped reading. I wanted to make sure that my book was my own, informed by memoirists before me, but not mimicking their work.
What do you hope your readers take away from your story?
I want to help others feel less alone with the secrets they were asked to keep growing up. And in some ways, I hope to encourage others to share their lives with the people they love. It took me a long time to learn how to do this.
I spent most of my early adult life trying to present myself as a put-together, strong woman. I thought that if I told others (even my new husband) about my past, they would see me as weak. They’d wonder why I hadn’t stood up for myself, why I hadn’t told anyone about the abuse–not my extended family, or my friends, or my teachers and principals, not my Girl Scout leader, not my doctors, or not even the police.
But shortly after we married, my patient and loving husband, Marc, broke through the wall. After I told him my story, he told me I was the strongest person he’d ever met. It helped me to realize that I was the one who saw myself as weak for not reporting the abuse.
I also hope readers will walk away thinking about how simple acts of kindness make a difference. I’ve learned that firsthand. So many kindhearted people played an unknowingly significant role in my life, from my kindergarten teacher who encouraged me to do well in school to a nextdoor neighbor, Rosa Garcia, who’s loving home offered respite from my violent one. My message is don’t underestimate what you can do. You can help. The little things count.
Lastly, what are you currently reading and do you have any book recommendations for our readers?
I’m currently reading Simon the Fiddler by Paulette Jiles. I love her work. She is a master storyteller. Her last book, News of the World, about an elderly widower in late 19th century Kansas hired to return an orphan to her relatives in Texas, is a favorite of mine. I must have sent it to at least ten friends and family members. I’m looking forward to the movie. Tom Hanks will be a great Captain Jefferson Kyle Kidd, the book’s lead character.
I’d recommend The Dutch House by Ann Patchett, The Giver of Stars by Jojo Moyes, and an extra recommendation goes to The Book of Longings by Sue Monk Kidd. The premise of the book is that Jesus had a wife and she was Judas’s sister. It’s such a unique and thought-provoking concept.
