Guest post written by author R.J. Jacobs
R.J. Jacobs has practiced as a psychologist since 2003. He maintains a private practice in Nashville, focusing on a wide variety of clinical concerns. After completing a post-doctoral residency at Vanderbilt, he has taught Abnormal Psychology, presented at numerous conferences, and routinely performs PTSD evaluations for veterans. Always the First to Die is out September 13th.
“There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex. Big no-no! Sex equals death. Number two: you can never drink or do drugs. It’s the sin factor; it’s an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, “I’ll be right back.” Cause you won’t be back.” –Randy Meeks (Jamie Kennedy), Scream (1996)
How do horror movie ramp up tension? By reminding the audience death is right around the corner. Throughout the history of the genre, certain tactics increase a character’s chances of making it to the end of a horror film. Other maneuvers ensure a character’s demise.
Let’s explore.
A good horror film employs a sense of unpredictability that keeps audiences on their toes while following fairly tried-and-true “rules” about which characters live and which die.
Number one: Avoid any sort of sexual situation.
Never have sex in a horror film; in fact, don’t even think about it. One should stay dressed and keep their clothes on at all times because even showing too much skin is a massive risk. Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho—the grandfather of “modern” horror and slasher films—arguably sets this rule in motion. The film’s main character, Marion Crane (Janet Leigh), makes a decision that proves fatal by taking a shower during her stay at the Bates Motel. She stole some money, made a getaway, then drove into the night. But the shower? Ill-advised, even if she just wanted to clean up a bit.
The no sex rule even became set in stone as the slasher film craze took full effect in the late 70s and early 80s. John Carpenter’s subgenre-starting Halloween laid the groundwork for the decade of horror to come during the scene where unfortunate teens Bob (John Michael Graham) and Lynda (P.J. Soles) are killed by Michael Myers (Nick Castle) immediately after having sex. Bob in particular breaks a myriad of rules: he has sex, wanders off by himself, and then cracks open a beer. More on those last two later.
For killers in slasher movies—see Friday the 13th—characters having sex is almost like a direct alert to their location. Other times, the monster comes with the sex itself. In movies like Species and Jennifer’s Body, sex is a death trap for naive men to get with literal monsters.
On still other occasions, sex functions as a curse. In the 2015 horror-thriller It Follows, a young woman winds up as the target of a mysterious evil force that follows her around after having sex with her boyfriend. Eventually, her friend is kind enough to lift the curse from her by having sex with her, before . . . (of course) paying the ultimate price.
Number Two: No drinking, no drugs.
Straight edge is the way to go in a horror movie. Similar to having sex, intoxicants are slippery slope. Oftentimes, characters find themselves too inebriated to run from the killer and end up as easy prey. In Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, marijuana enthusiast Ted (Lawrence Monoson) meets his demise at the hands of Jason Voorhees (Ted White) simply because he’s too high to hear his friends calling for him. In the B-movie Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers, deranged camp counselor Angela (Pamela Springsteen) finds two campers (Carol Chambers and Amy Fields) partying a bit too hard and then later delivers this line: “Let this be a lesson to you… say no to drugs.”
Number Three: Be nice to your friends.
Adding to the list of horror movie sins is generally being a jerk. Typically, when a character is rude and hard to get along with, it’s game over. And because karma is omnipresent in the horror genre, jerky characters often end up with the most gruesome deaths. Brian De Palma’s genre classic Carrie is perhaps the ultimate example of this; everyone who was ever mean to the titular character (Sissy Spacek) throughout the film ends up dead at the end of the story. In the 2009 Friday the 13th remake/reboot, overall miscreant Trent (Travis Van Winkle) is served inarguably the most horrific death of the film by being impaled by several large spikes. In fact, the entire Saw franchise is built around the idea of people who have done terrible things fighting to escape death at the hands of Jigsaw (Tobin Bell). Your best shot is to be a morally sound, law-abiding citizen.
Unfortunately, clean living and kind words only get you so far in horror.
Number Four: You have to be in shape.
The first rule of survival in Ruben Fleischer’s undead-comedy Zombieland? Cardio. This rule is perfectly exemplified in Christine, when the slovenly Moochie (Malcolm Danare) succumbs to wrath of the titular killer vehicle where a more agile character could have easily slipped away
Which leads us to the last rule.
Number Five: Stay aware of your surroundings.
Poor decision-making is the number one cause of death in horror, and there is maybe no worse decision that running directly into a place from which bad vibes emanate. Make logical decisions about where you shouldn’t venture. Countless horror films are set in haunted houses or in direct proximity to graveyards. If the locals tell you to stay away from a certain place, maybe try to never set foot there. In the nightmarish 2012 thiller Sinister, down-on-his-luck true-crime writer Ellison Oswalt (Ethan Hawke) brilliantly moves his family into a house where another family was horrifically murdered not long before, hoping to write a book about the murders that will become a big hit. NO. Despite warnings from local law enforcement, he stubbornly stays put and all is not well in the end.
As a general rule, stay away from cabins in the woods, sheds, barns (particularly at night), remote homes in rural areas, and other places where evil could possibly dwell. Surround yourself with people who have street smarts and/or self-defense mechanisms, and never, ever wander off alone. Stay healthy, be alert and aware of the surrounding area, don’t ever engage in hedonism, and do good unto those around you.
As the Final Destination films point out, death is ultimately unavoidable, but the tactics put forth in this article will increase your odds. Be a smart person who hardly does anything wrong and . . . you just might make it.
Oh, and don’t be the killer.
They’re usually not around for the credits.
