“’I am so bored of pretending’ I say. ‘How are any of us making it through each day without screaming? Do you not think that’s a miracle? Don’t you just want to scream and scream until your voice is gone?’”
Released on April 2nd, Pretending is Holly Bourne’s second adult novel after How Do You Like Me Now. The British author is a well-known advocate for gender equality and mental health, two topics that strongly seep into her writing. Most widely known for her 2015 YA contemporary trilogy, The Spinster Club, Bourne’s novels always showcase her resilience and passion when spreading awareness among both young and adult audiences. Her latest YA novel, The Places I’ve Cried in Public, was published just a few months before Pretending was released, and also raises awareness on abusive relationships.
Like most of Bourne’s work, Pretending is such a rollercoaster of emotions. This book is cynical and sarcastic. This book is harsh, realistic, and a bit of a hater. Reading it feels like biting into a lemon, but that is exactly the point of it. Victims of sexual abuse go through a lot of emotions through their recovery: they feel confusion, pain, anger, denial. All these feelings are completely valid and coherent, but is it healthy to hold on to them in the long term? And how can they shape social interactions, as well as one’s self-image?
Saying that our protagonist, April, is a complex character would be an enormous understatement. April is a deeply anxious person, with a self-image that relies heavily on societal expectations on women and being liked by men —even if she, consciously, doesn’t want to feel that way. April is naïve and kind and trusts people way too easily, but she is also angry: The novel begins with a three-page-long essay where she lists the reasons why she hates men. And she hates them ardently. April is also a survivor of rape and her trauma is still very present on her mind, even if years have passed since she was assaulted by her ex-boyfriend. For every bit of information that the reader gets about April, the more they will feel for her —and the more of that anger they will assume as well, especially when they learn about how she has to read email after email from victims of sexual abuse asking for help to the charity she works at and the men in April’s own life handle her like a puppet without caring about her feelings.
However, the sheer amount of negativity that oozes out of the book can sometimes become overwhelming. As a victim of sexual abuse, her feelings towards men are completely valid and understandable, but they may also be triggering for other recovering survivors. April is constantly rambling about how awful men are, but, for the most part of the novel, she does not try to decipher why she feels like that or how to stop herself from mindlessly hating an entire section of society. She simply buries her trauma and any negative feeling —apart from anger— deep into the back of her brain, in an attempt to pretend to be what she understands as “normal.” As a result, she spirals into her plans of revenge and the ideal persona she creates: Gretel. But we will talk about her later.
It is not until two-thirds of the book have gone by that April starts to take control of her mental health and decides to go to therapy. She decides to take boxing classes to channel her negative emotions, as well, which becomes the most wholesome and heart-wrenching part of the novel, thanks to the beautiful feeling of sisterhood and understanding she finds there. When she starts to actively try to overcome her trauma, both the tone of the novel and the plot itself improves greatly.
At the beginning, the reason why April takes on Gretel’s persona to take revenge on men is not that clear and so it is sometimes confusing to try and guess where her actions and decisions are going to take her. For the looks of it at first, definitely not to a nice place. It is not until almost the very end of the novel that our protagonist begins her journey towards recovery and self-discovery, and while April does become more and more self-aware, the very few pages Bourne gives her to grow and accept herself are not enough for the ending to be fulfilling.
Going back to that constant feeling of anger, the tone and plot sometimes become a bit flat, almost as if it went on circles. Nonetheless, the British author has some outstanding one-liners that delightfully add a sarcastic and witty side of comedic relief that balances out the harshness of the topics she deals with. Thanks to her snarky comments and the very necessary, taboo-free exploration of female sexuality, you will find yourself chuckling quietly quite a few times. Simultaneously, Pretending also dives into societal expectations on how both men and women are expected behave in heterosexual relationships, embodying them all on Gretel. Through a series of entries of what appears to be a self-help book for dating written by her imaginary personality, April goes through all the requirements she has to meet to be appealing to men, not realising that all of those characteristics are mostly based on her insecurities, unrealistic and misogynistic standards and her own prejudices about men. Unable to keep up with the façade, she is confronted with the deep feeling of loneliness, powerlessness and inadequacy caused mostly by her trauma itself and the pressure society puts on people to find a partner and get married before hitting your 30s.
Pretending is an overall complex novel. It is angry and harsh, but it is also real and unafraid to speak about the ugly side of dating and romantic relationships. It demonstrates how the toughest judge is non-other than our own brain, driven by society’s unattainable standards, both for men and women. Undoubtedly, finding yourself in a world full of expectations and masks can be quite tricky, let alone being true to yourself. So, is it possible to go through life unscathed without a bit of pretending? You’ll have to read this novel to find out!
Pretending is available from Amazon, Book Depository, and other good book retailers, like your local bookstore!
Will you be picking up Pretending? Tell us in the comments below!
Synopsis | Goodreads
He said he was looking for a ‘partner in crime’ which everyone knows is shorthand for ‘a woman who isn’t real’.
April is kind, pretty, and relatively normal – yet she can’t seem to get past date five. Every time she thinks she’s found someone to trust, they reveal themselves to be awful, leaving her heartbroken. And angry.
If only April could be more like Gretel.
Gretel is exactly what men want – she’s a Regular Everyday Manic Pixie Dream Girl Next Door With No Problems.
The problem is, Gretel isn’t real. And April is now claiming to be her.
As soon as April starts ‘being’ Gretel, dating becomes much more fun – especially once she reels in the unsuspecting Joshua.
Finally, April is the one in control, but can she control her own feelings? And as she and Joshua grow closer, how long will she be able to keep pretending?
