Guest post written by author Ilona Andrews
“Ilona Andrews” is the pseudonym for a husband-and-wife writing team. Ilona is a native-born Russian, and Gordon is a former communications sergeant in the U.S. Army. Contrary to popular belief, Gordon was never an intelligence officer with a license to kill, and Ilona was never the mysterious Russian spy who seduced him. They met in college, in English Composition 101, where Ilona got a better grade. (Gordon is still sore about that.) They have co-authored four New York Times and USA Today bestselling series: the urban fantasy of Kate Daniels, rustic fantasy of the Edge, paranormal romance of Hidden Legacy, and Innkeeper Chronicles. They live in Texas with their two children and many dogs and cats. Ruby Fever is out now.
Like the title suggests, everything is bigger in Texas. Hats. Trucks. Guns. And of course, the houses. A house with a 3,000 square foot footprint is considered… average. Our Hidden Legacy series is set in Houston, and it features magic dynasties, very wealthy families of mages, who have insane homes, so we spend a lot of times on real estate sites browsing Texas mansions. Here are three lessons we have learned.
Wood and Stone
Austin homes and Texas houses in particular are famous for “Austin limestone,” limestone rock that is queried in Hill Country area of Texas. Here is a Humble house, a wee little mansion, only 6,000 sq ft, with a trademark limestone exterior.
Burled wood, earth tones, travertine, stone columns, all good things in moderation, but some Texans carry it way too far. We present to you a listing we affectionately call the Boulder Potty. Yes, that is a massive stone wall with an interior water feature showcased in photo #9. Why would you want a stream inside the house next to a wall, with the moisture settling on those really difficult to clean rocks? Why not?
But the most important feature of this home isn’t the stream of future mold or the ridiculous outdoor waterfall pool – because it’s not like we are in the middle of historic drought and we must conserve water, and it isn’t even the treacherously cork-screw staircase. No, the best feature is in the photos 32 and 33.
Who in the world thought that putting enormous boulders into the shower was a good idea? What if you slip? Also, how would such a shower be sold to the prospective homeowner?
Real Estate Agent: And here is the main shower.
Buyer: O.O
Real Estate Agent: It has no walls, so you will get cold in winter. It has 3 rain heads but no detachable, handheld shower, because we are too cool for hygiene. There is no shelf for products or leg shaving, but you know what this shower has? Boulders! Big, beautiful boulders!
Style is for Poor People
Houston has several neighborhoods where the real estate must be seen to be believed. One of the oldest is the River Oaks, where massive mansions sprawl like lazy beasts on manicured grass, commanding price tags of many millions. Some of these mansions are tasteful. Others, not so much.
It is not at all uncommon to see a huge house that is a mash of several architectural styles inexplicably thrown together for absolutely no reason. The hero of our latest Hidden Legacy book is Italian by birth and that kind of off-the-cuff architecture hurts his soul.
Alessandro grimaced as we pulled up to the house and parked Rhino behind a stereotypical black SUV with federal license plates.
“Snob.”
He gave me a pained look. “Why does it have a turret, Catalina? Are they expecting an army of medieval knights and trebuchets?”
“You never know,” I told him.
“It’s a Tuscan colonnade interrupted by a Scottish turret with Tudor windows.”
“You can hold on to my hand. I’ll lead you in while you avert your eyes.”
“No need.”
This is not an exaggeration. Of course, the true hilarity occurs when such a house has to be sold, and a real estate agent must find some way to describe it. They must assign a label to the house.
“English Manor Estate”
It is “storybook” because this house isn’t a novel, it’s an anthology.
“French Country”
With trapezoidal columns.
“If it has clay roof, call it Mediterranean”. Okay so some of the Mediterranean inspired homes are quite handsome, but it is amusing how wide that category stretches.
This is a classic Texas Mediterranean done on a massive scale.
Oy. Just… Who designed this? Why? What is the purpose of the wooden thingies sticking out? On the plus side, if any vampires turn into bats and assault the house, they will impale themselves for sure.
Which brings us to the final lesson.
Imagination Is Not Enough
No matter how active your imagination, it pales when confronted with the real thing.
There is no need to make things up when it comes to luxury in Houston real Estate. One must only type Houston, TX into Zillow search window and set the filter by price High to Low.
Bad taste on steroids!
Oh my! I had seen the boulder shower on the blog, but some of the others…… 😲
🤣 trebuchet
Why are there so many bathrooms compared to the number of bedrooms? And hardly any pictures, though this is obviously a major selling point. Is there some kind of gastrointestinal issue plaguing the rich in Texas?
Oi. Oy. Oiy. Spelling? Couldn’t agree more. Another adage- the bigger the house, the fewer the people who live in it. I also live in an expensive neighborhood- we are plagued with the import of homes (aka scraping 3000 sq foot homes with yards that are perfectly fine and replacing them with 7000 sq foot homes with no yards) that look like 2nd grade science projects=Boxes painted white. Ugly box homes. My gut response is our idea of the American dream needs revamping.
Hospitality, y’all!
If you and your guests are in the movie room or the game room or by the pool, you want a bathroom convenient for your guests.
Hey! My visions have come to actual being! As I read Ilona Andrews I try to picture in my mind what the described house, or building, or ? looks like. My “dream” homes are portrayed here in living color!
My Midwest, plebeian imagination now has fodder for weeks. By-the-way, I really, really like your books! Thank you !
Just WOW